I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
