please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
