wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
