sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
