so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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