i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He? As in you personified your dick?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
