I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
