Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
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I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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