Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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