census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
