I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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