guys are not supposed to queef...right?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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