Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
