No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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