I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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