i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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