dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
