Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
