omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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