how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Randomize
