i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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