You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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