Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
time to smoke my breakfast
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
