We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
