I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
