Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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