I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
where are you?
Hypothermia
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
