i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
