DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
