My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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