I just cut my nipple shaving
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
