Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
