She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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