he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
