maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
