I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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