You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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