I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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