twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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