Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
