Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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