i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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