I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
