first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
