What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
