Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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