I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
