I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
