Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
