i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
