youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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