I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
