sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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