the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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