Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
