y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
