I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
