Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So much Jack, so little girl.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
how drunk are you?
Several
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
