no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
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All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
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He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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