barbara walters just said penis...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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