I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
