I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
