I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
