Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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